Thursday, May 29, 2008

I like it twice a day.

Posting that is.

Anyhow, so I am TOTALLY f-word-ing obsessed with that Coldplay iTunes commercial. I don't like Coldplay so much as a band, but I am so oddly/creepily/hugely intrigued (and maybe a little turned on?) by the way Chris Martin flails his arms around during the whole thing. Especially around seconds 20 to 22.

Can. Stop. Watching.

My day.

Below, please find a summary of my day.

1:: I discussed, among other really important things, the virtue of dipping crusty bread in soda, the personality traits of eastern European grandparents, and the deep pschological truama Halloween causes certain children. All this during the course of 100,000 words worth of emails. I know because I counted each and every single word.

2:: I determined once and for all that crunchy peanut butter is better than smooth peanut butter. Don't let the Reds tell you any different.

3:: I broke my shoe. And not just any shoe. A Valentino adorably stappy sandle shoe that I spent bucket fulls of pennies on. This makes me mad and sad.

4:: I drank three diet cokes. I am soooo off the wagon again.

5:: I found myself a future husband. We are going to adopt children from European counties with really high tax rates. We are going to be very ELITE. I will likely refuse to sign a prenup so that upon our inevitable divorce (I am pretty sure he loves my nachos more than me) I will have the funds to finally hire that driver that I have always wanted/needed.

6:: I didn't do any work. Like, ANY. I am trying to fill out my time sheet and I tears are coming to my eyes. I am pretty sure I can't bill for becoming a Yelp! master.

7:: I ate a cupcake at 8:30 in the morning. It was free, I can only be expected to have to so much will power.

There is no 8. That was it. 1-7 is all I did today. And it was fun. Thanks.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

I have officially exhausted the LA dating scene.

I mentioned before that I was starting this crazy new fitness thing [CrossFit]. CrossFit is not in itself crazy, but it is crazy for someone like me, given that I am a slothful ball of lazy. Anyhow, fitness craze #2 for the month of May 2008 began today. All went well[ish]. I made it official and signed a contract committing myself to TWO workouts a week, each beginning at 6'o mother effing clock in the a.m. Feeling slightly giddy from my workout this morning [it is not clear why], which I pretty much sucked at, I went to work [truthfully, I stopped at starbucks first and got a gigante iced coffee, and THEN I went to work*] and hopped onto the gym's blog which prominently features a group photo from their last event.

And what do I find smack dab in the middle of said photo? My life being what it is, I spy a guy I once dated. "Dated" may be a bit strong, as we went on a single "meh" date. There was, however, making-out involved, causing any future encounter with this person to be potentially awkward. Whats more, thinking back on our date, I do recall Fitness Guy telling me he did this bizarre workout thing that involved pull-ups and a rowing machine in the mornings that he loved. Lo and behold, it happens to CrossFit. I really really hope that I don't run into him, and that if I do, that he does not remember me. But given my luck, I WILL run into him, he WILL remember me, and he WILL totally think that I am stalking him.

Universe:: 34
Diet Coke:: 0

I think I need to move to a new city, there is no safe place for me anymore in Los Angeles.

In other news, I broke down and had my first Diet Coke in seven days. And it was every bit as delicious as I remember. Oh Diet Coke [the beverage, not to the blogger], I love you so.

And in yet more news, I purchased the most brilliant dress for a wedding I am going to be attending on July 3. And with the arrival of said dress comes Operation Wedding Hotness. OWH merely requires that Hot Wedding Dress still fit me come the day of the event. This seems doable, even for me.

* Iced Coffee with "Energy," actually. Misnomer. Did not provided me with any energy. It did, however, cost be an extra fifty cents.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Beautiful Day

I complained a lot going into the weekend because of the doom rain forecast, but today turned out to be lovely. I started the morning off with a hike at Runyon, and enjoyed it more today than I have ever before. The weather was cool and clear, the mountain [okay fine, hill] was totally deserted [passed probably 10 people along the way] and I was super motivated. I even ran half the way, and not just on the downhill either!!!

Lovely way to start the long weekend. Looking forward to more of the same.

Tomorrow, I am going to see Indiana Jooones! Yes, I know it is supposed to suck. But I don't care. Indy gives me the happy fuzzy fizzy feeling inside. And Shia ain't so bad either. ;)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Things I don't like to admit.

I maybe kinda actually sorta like Carrie Underwood. I am pretty certain the lyrics below were written with me in mind.
"Last night I got served a little too much of that poison baby
Last night I did things I'm not proud of
And I got a little crazy...
Oh, my mama would be so ashamed"

[yes, I am watching the American Idol finale right now]

Not much happening.

God wants me to be fat. Otherwise, why would this be opening one block from my house?

In other news I am a) starting a craaazy new exercise regimen called "CrossFit" next month [will expand upon this when I am having a more articulate day], and b) on day two with no diet coke.

I have nothing else to report, except that I am really looking forward to seeing the new Indiana Jones movie this weekend.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Foutune cookie, don't leave me hanging!

My fortune cookie told me today to "[b]e prepared for a new relationship."

Umm, can I get a little more info here, Fortune Cookie? You've been right before. Like last time when you told me that I would soon be eating Chinese food - totally on point! I just want to be sure I understand what you are getting at so that I can make the most of your wisdom.

So when you say I should be prepared, do you mean RIGHT NOW? Tomorrow? OMG, what am I going to wear?! And this "relationship" you speak of - are we talking boyfriend? New gardener? New bookclub member?

Seriously, Forture Cookie, I am certain your intentions are good. But next time if you are going to get involved in my person life, make sure you are very clear. Because frankly, the ambiguity stresses me out.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Bad things.

I do not like the following::

1:: The phrase "it is what it is." Yes, it is. But, must we really have a saying stating as such? And must people use it with such frequency and self satisfaction? Next time someone tells me something is what it is, I am going to say:: "Potatoes will always be potatoes." Because, they will, you know? Just like it is what it is. And I am who I am. And I arrived when I arrived. And I ate what I ate. And then I left when I did.

2:: Securities Exchance Commission. I do not like you.

3:: That my New Roommate's ringtone on her phone is a song. And further that the song is one by Akon. And further yet that the song contains the lyric "hundred dollar bills ya'll." And I don't mean in jest.

4:: Text messages as a means of substantive conversation. I can hang with text messages for simple communication, drunked flirtation, sober flirtation, and "just wanted to say hi" kind of nonsense. But, please. Please. Please. Please. Do not try to convey important things to me via text.

5:: People who pretend (mostly boys in my case) that they do not know you when they CLEARLY do. This just happened to me a few days ago. There is a certain guy whose parents are friends with my family. I have known him for about a million years and see him at least three times a year. We aren't friends per se, but we are friendly. And he totally asked me out once. I see the guy at a family get together this past weekend, and he literally said "Hi, nice to meet you." This makes him either (a) exceedinly stupid, or (b) exceedingly pathetic. Either way, I don't like it.

6:: Running out of popcorn. One should never, ever run out of popcorn.

7:: Sunday, 8:53 p:: I have done extensive studies, and it is proven that 8:53 p is the WORST. TIME. EVER. It is at this time that you realize the weekend is over and Monday is looming. Sunday, 8:53 p is the inverse of Friday 6:00 p.

Monday, May 12, 2008

Weekend tales.

In no particular order::

1. My mother, solidifying her spot as the coolest mom of all time, decided Sunday morning that she wanted to spend her mother's day not at the Four Seasons brunching, as we had planned, but at a local casino playing poker. And so began a little family trip to the City of Commerce.

2. At the casino I sat beside the hottest guy I have seen in 2008. As I was leaving, he followed me to the cashier [I won three hundred dollar dollar bills ya'll (all of which has been spent - see item 3)] to give me his number. Given that he had degenerate [and very sexy] gambler written all over him, I don't intend to use it.* But still, it totally made my day/month. Any furthermore, if I should ever be back at Commerce Casino again and happen to sit beside him, I may just think our encounters to be destiny and may have to propose to him.

3. I purchased an awesome new "work" dresses. I say "work" because it is not actually work appropriate, but somehow classifying the dress as such, even if erroneously, makes me feel more justified about the purchase.

4. Gameboy e-dumped me on Friday. He then tried to take it back Saturday [kind of], suggesting that perhaps he was hasty and we should see what happens. But alas, one can not take back a dump. Especially one so ill-conceived and delivered electronically.

5. I joined eHarmony. Because, you know, I don't have enough male induced drama in my life already. I also have been informed that Gameboy is an eHarmony patron and that so I hope desperately that we lack the five points of compatibility. The reason that I know this about Gameboy is because the world is intent on demonstrating over and over how small it is. I get it world. Please stop tormenting me.

6. I met blogger Single/Fabulous on Saturday. We went hiking at Runyon Canyon. She was very Nice/Awesome.

7. I had eight tons of tortilla chips at Pink Taco while watching the Laker's play shit basketball, then drove to a bar in Hollywood to meet up with some friends. Met up with said friends. Downed two shots of tequila under intense peer pressure. Wanted to leave about 10 minutes later and was obvs not going to drive. So instead, I left my car at said bar and took a cab. The end result was my car being held hostage for two days and my having to pay a usurious "parking" fee to get it back. Fucking Hollywood.

8. Evil Troll and her boyfriend seem to have broken up yet again, as her Shitious Boyfriend has called my New Roommate in hopes of re-re kindling whatever it was they had. This whole situation is rapidly morphing from somewhat amusing to just plain old sad. Also, I am very displeased to have it reaffirmed yet again that people can be such scoundrels. There are literally two women on the planet that are off limits to Shiteous Boyfriend by virtue of their acquaintance with Evil Troll. Why must he pursue one of those gals? Anyone care to comment on this?

9. [Redacted for now]

10. My New Roommate has met a new guy that is phenomenally cool. They seemingly have nothing in common, but I hope she keeps him around because he is fun to hang out with. Also, he is not Shiteous Boyfriend.

11. I had one of the best hair days EVER [not counting professionally done days] Saturday night.

12. I can't tell sometimes if my blog makes me seem more neurotic than I am or if I am more neurotic than I let on in my blog.

* This is what they call progress. For the first time ever, I am avoiding a guy that is all but assured to spell danger for me, despite my intense physical attraction. I am growing up people.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

A moment of clarity.

As I sat at my desk today, I thought to myself how much time I waste thinking/worrying about nonsense (i.e., Gameboy, Aristotle boy, Evil Troll, etc.). I looked out my window and for about eight seconds I felt in a state of bliss. Really believing that my life is awesome, and that I need to chill out and enjoy it more thoroughly. Then the moment passed. I still feel like my life is awesome, but I also fell like I want to throw up at the thought of another rejection.


In other news, Evil Troll and her nasty pants boyfriend are back together. He called New Roommate to tell her, and to tell her to tell me that I had better not say anything to Evil Troll about his indiscretion.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Hickeygate 2008

So begins another cycle of the Diet Coke Dating Horror Show.

This time around, I was/am re-dating a person [henceforth "Gameboy" - because he designs video games] that I previously dated, but then stopped dating because I got semi-serious with someone else instead [the guy I picked over Gameboy turned out to be a total whacko, but then I maybe should have deduced that early on given his die hard obsession with Proust and Morrisey]. I was going through my emails the other day and came upon exchanges with Gameboy, and was reminded of how he was both cute and sweet. Plus he called me almost immediately after our first date, which is the type of early dating behavior I tend to favor.

Sure, several months had passed, but what was the harm in emailing him to see if he wanted to grab a drink? So I did just that. And much to my amazement he emailed back, and not just to tell me to shove off. We ended up getting together last weekend [Friday night] for dinner at a vegan place called Cru in Silverlake. After dinner we headed to 4100 Bar - a cool bar where good dates go to die [or maybe just my dates]. And by "some drinks", I mean he had one scotch to my three Kettle/soda's.

At 4100 Bar, things got a little strange. He didn't want to order another drink, which made me think he was over the date. As we were walking out, I was fully prepared to say goodbye. Instead he suggested that we walk over to a coffee shop we had seen earlier. The coffee place was closed, so we continued walking around for a bit looking for places to go until it was decided that we'd go back to my place [Very clever tactic, Gameboy. Very clever indeed.]

Back at my place, Gameboy drank tea, which concerned me greatly. Diet Coke likes alcohol on a Friday night, not tea. My fears were quelled when he insisted that I drink whatever I please. And I think he meant it. Or at least I hope so. Anyhow, we hung out for a long while, chatted, joked, laughed, blah blah. I ended up having a lot of fun and decided that I liked Gameboy [which of course, means that Gameboy cannot like me].

Saturday was stressful, because being crazy as I am, I expected that Gameboy would call/text/email me. He did not. Not being able to contain myself, and knowing full well that I would have been better served by doing nothing, I texted him anyhow. This of course led to additional hours of agony as Gameboy did not respond. Or at least not until Sunday, when he asked if I wanted to see a movie at his place. I of course, despite knowing that I should have pretended to have better things to do, accepted his offer. [Clearly, I could use some of those horrible "Rules" in my life]

All was going well until, as I got ready to leave, I glanced at his neck and realized the he had a hickey, junior high style. As I imagined the thirty two year old man standing before me going to work with a giant red mark on his neck, naturally, I laughed out loud. Two seconds later, completely in jest [I swear it], I uttered five tiny words.

"You are a marked man."

His whole expression changed. As if I had some how branded him on purpose so all the ladies of the world knew that he was mine, mine, mine. When in fact, I think he probably just has sensitive skin.

Anyhow, I left. No word from Gameboy since. Sad, because I could have totally dug him.

But then again, if he can't handle a hickey and a harmless remark, it was doomed anyhow.

And finally, I am clearly doing something wrong when it comes to this whole "dating" gig.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Highly Scientific Experiment #1: Sex on a first date.

Inspired by my previous post, and wanting to know once and for all whether doing the dirty dirty on a first date is the kiss of death for a budding relationship, I set upon devising a High Scientific Experiment.

At first I considered asking my male friends, but quickly determined they would make a very poor sample as they are predominantly gay, and those who are straight would be so excited to be getting some play that they would propose marriage to any mammal that was willing to put out. So I did the next best thing, I turned to the diverse [“diverse” as in they encompass perverts of all ages and sexual proclivities] group know as the Men of Los Angeles Craigslist (the "Men").

I posed as a 25 year old who had foolishly gotten naughty with a suitor in whom she had real interest [as opposed to merely sexual interest] and feared that she had blown her chances at a real relationship by whoring out. The Men responded in droves [over 60 replies to date].

My findings are as follows::

46% of the Men replied with some variation of "you dumb slut, you blew it."

Interestingly of those 58%, about half first apologized and THEN called me a slut. Most believed that a man cannot respect a woman with whom they have had sex [I don't really get this - someone explain?]. Also, these replies were the least articulate of the bunch, utilizing phrases like "lol" and using "u" for "you."
“No healthy long-term relationship can spring from a one-nighter.”
[What about unhealthy long-term? I would take that]
“he just lost all respect for u. He thinks ure a slut”
[says the man with “69” in his email address]
“It's not a riddle it's just that you're a"
“He will not marry you. Guys have two categories - women they will sleep with and women they will marry.”
“Basically, you just made yourself a tramp sorry to say. You can disagree with me and you can even lie to me but you can never lie to what your inner soul will tell you. That is why sex was created by God to be within marriage.”
[This last one was my favorite. It went on for a really long time about my soul.]

27% told me about how they had healthy relationships that resulted from a first night sexer [at least one of which ultimately ended in divorce, but what marriage doesn't these days?] Most of this group thought that the timing of sex has nothing to do with it, and it is based solely on other factors, like whether the person actually likes you or not. How very novel!
"sleeping with a guy on the first date is as equal as reading his resume you gotta see if he is good enough for the job"
15% said it depends on how good the sex was.
“If he digs you, (and the sex wasn't awful) then of course he'll want to see you again.”
5% propositioned me.

3% had some sort of God theory.
"trust you me, if he wants to Create he will be back."
2% asked me why I am asking such a dumb question.

1% wanted to know why the girl they recently went out with has not called them back.

1 very creepy person thinks that one night stands lead to rape.
“If he expects sex from you every time you meet, he's controlling you, and guess what happens when you threaten his masculinity by breaking his control? Right, and that's how girls get beaten, raped, or worse.”

Sex on a first date is a very bad idea if the guy with whom you are sleeping (1) has an IQ lower than 100 [lolers, I am looking at you], (2) finds you to be a bad lay, (3) doesn't like you anyhow, or (4) really loves God. Otherwise, go crazy ladies, cause no one cares.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

When small things turn into big issues.

My friend, A.M., has been dating a guy for about a month now. The last few times I have spoken to her, she was very enthusiastic about the state of the relationship [not unusual as she is typically wild about all new boys - for about a fortnight- and then not so much]. So enthusiastic, in fact, that she had not been engaging in any sexy bed time action with said boy in an effort to project herself as being sexually unattainable, and therefor more desirable. [Aside:: Really? I have certainly heard of such a thing, but is having sex with someone really the kiss of death in a budding relationship? Seems dumb. Like, really dumb].

Below is a PG-13ified version of the conversation I have with A.M. last night::

Diet Coke:: So, what is up with the new fella you have been (not) boinking?
A.M:: It is so over.
Diet Coke:: Oh noes! Did the pretending not to be a slut backfire?
A.M:: He and I were hooking up the other night and I discovered that his Business is really really small.
Diet Coke:: Shut up, it can't be THAT small.
A.M:: No, seriously. It is THAT small.
Diet Coke:: So you just aren't going to see him anymore?
A.M:: Yup.
Diet Coke:: But weren't you really into him?
A.M:: Yeah, but D.C., it was REALLY REALLY small. Like, unemployable small.
Diet Coke:: Damn.

All this got me thinking, Carrie Bradshaw style.

Is it totally reprehensible to dump a guy because his package is the size a single serving Crystal Light pack? [I think no]

Doesn't this all mean that you should have sex with a guy BEFORE you decide you like him? [I think maybe] After all, it seems that prolonged abstinence can only lead to either 1) a broken heart upon discovery of your objects physical deformity, or 2) if the sex happens to be good, several missed week of good sex. [And let's face it, you may not be dating this person for very long so any possible weeks of good sex needs to be taken advantage of].

If I were in such a situation, would my earlier truth proclamation require me to share with said guy that I was dumping him because of his inadequacy or does a lie in this circumstance solidly fall into some "lie for the sake of human decency exemption"? [I think the latter].

So many questions, so little time.