Sunday, February 10, 2008

My ultimate superpower.

I've long had a fascination with super powers. Being an only daughter, I was never exposed to comic books growing, and so I attribute my interest [obsession] to Evie Garland and her time stopping powers on Out of this World. I distinctly remember one time having to study for a history [or "Social Studies" as it was called then] test and thinking long and hard about how well I could do on the test if only I could stop time and study for an extra five hours. Yes folks, I was a school nerd even then.

For years following my discovery of Evie, every piece of coinage I ever tossed into a wishing pond asked that I be granted a super power [before that, I used to wish my Teddy Rupskin** would come alive. Now I wish for either "eternal happiness," whatever the fuck means, or immortality. I clearly had/have issues]. Back then, time stoppage or invisibility seemed the best power. While they clearly both have merit, I came to a firm decision a few years ago that I'd rather have the ability to teleport.

Imagine it. No sitting in traffic – ever. Need an outfit to wear on a date? No probs. Just teleport your outfit needing tush into your local Marc Jacobs store and whalah, a new outfit is yours (you can return said outfit via teleportation post date so as to not be a thief). Feeling like pasta for dinner? Why not have it in Rome? Who needs a hotel when you can always teleport back to the comfort of your own bed. Really, the possibilities are boundless.

Certain was I that teleportation was the bee's knees. UNTIL – the following happened last Saturday. Certain Someone and I were sitting in the Arclight pre-movie when the topic of milk shakes arose. Our movie didn't start until 10:30, so we were in need of a late night milk shake spot. We thought of a few [translation: I thought of one], but it was certain to be too much of a cluster fuck on a Saturday eve. I looked around the full theater and thought, surely, someone in here must know a nice place to get a late night milkshake.

And then it occurred to me what a phenomenal superpower I had happened upon [probably, some zany x-man out there can already do this, but its new to me!] My power would be having the ability to put a thought in people's heads and hear their response to that thought. Work with me here: I get everyone in the theater to think "milk shake" and certainly someone would think, "wow, I could really use a milk shake tonight, good thing [X] is awesome and open late."**** Brilliant! It is like having your own person google search, wikipedia, and citysearch all rolled up into one, all using the brain power of the people around you. Plus, imagine the hilarity in being able to get a room full of people think of the same absurd thing all at once. Endless entertainment. Example: you are in a conference room with a bunch of people negotiating a deal, when all of a sudden, the opposing counsel can't get the thought of Mitt Romney in his underwear our of their head. Priceless? Yes, yes it is.
An earthling's a creature who is plain as can be
He's not as unique as you or me
His body comes in lots of different shapes
They say his relatives were chimps and apes
But if you take my advice for what it's worth
You could be happy there on earth

** Interesting story about my beloved Teddy Rupskin. I received Mr. Rupskin (or Ruxpin as I called him) as a birthday present. On the day of my actually birthday party, he went missing. My dad had this friend back then who was a guru/intuitive named Garg. In an attempt to ease my sobbing (aka shut me up - my dad is not a patient man) he called him an asked him to talk to me. Garg asked me to name a number. I called 18. He told me that my teddy was where the dirty things go. I proceeded to ransack the house. I found teddy in the laundry bin in my room. Both creepy and awesome.

**** Last night I finally got my milk shake at a place called Milk on Beverly near Pointsetta. And let me tell you, it was both over priced and overrated. I could only take two sips before I felt as though my stomach might explode. Not impressed. Still need to find me a delish milk shake.

1 comment:

Pare said...

You called him Ruxpin because that was his name. (Rupskin was the bastardization that came from either other children or millions of their parents who were switching around the letters.)

Isn't it nice knowing you were right at a young age?