Thursday, January 24, 2008

Parking. Many try but few succeed.

I am not contending that parking in Los Angeles is always a simple task. Some areas (much of West Hollywood comes to mind) have cars packed within an inch of their life (some might call this "bumper to bumper"). I am talking car all up on the sidewalk action. Still other places have pesky hills AND parking congestion...and we all know parallel parking on a hill is IMPOSSIBLE! For me at least - and since this is really all about me - my truth is your truth.

I concede that sometimes the parking shit show in LA can't be avoided, but other times I can't help but see how someone is parking and think - "this person if a mother effing asshole". For real for real.

And hence this post. I give you:

Part II of Driving Lessons From a Really Bad Driver that May or May Not Suck At Life: Parking.

Parking, like the masterful use of the turn signal, is usually pretty damn easy. There are really only two options. First, we have the parallel park.

Parallel parking is admittedly the trickier of the two parking options. Sometimes, a spot is just the exactish size of your car and requires precision-like understanding of geometry, topography, physics and religion to get into. Those spots, in my opinion, should be left for the pros. Most of us layparkers have no chance in hell of fitting our metal heaps elegantly into such spots. My advice to my readers: if you see such spot - keep moving. If you are reading this blog, you probably are not very smart and should look for something more probable. Jkjkjk, you are BRILLIANT.

Also, if you are in one of those one lane squished up streets (as in, not enough room for two whole calls to fit side by side) and your parallel parking skills are below average, you aren't allowed to even attempt a park if there are cars waiting to pass. Sorry, those are the breaks. All of Spaulding's commuters should not have their lives put on hold because you don't have the skills that should have been acquired by the age of sixteen and a half.

For the larger parallel spots, the rules of etiquette of parallel parking are key. Do not, and I repeat - DO NOT - leave a safe zone buffer of two feet in front of you or behind you. Particularly if you have a piece of shit car. And if you have a fancy car that you are terribly worried about, you should have saved your money and gotten a place with an actual parking garage instead. If I see a you have parked your car so as to prevent anyone from parking in front or behind you, I wish bird poop to fall upon your hood.

The next option is head in parking. This is easy people. The rule is simple. FIT YOUR CAR BETWEEN THE PAINTED LINES. This means, your car may not spill out into the space next to you. Your suburban can not go into a compact space. Your car may not abut 5 feet out into the passing lane. And really, that's about it.

Them be the rules of parking.

And as for me? I valet.

1 comment:

The Hodge said...

Luckily for those of us in Louisville there is very little parallel parking unless you live downtown. And those who go downtown may never return.