Monday, January 21, 2008

I need the light. Where the hell is it?

I was intending to write about how I was famous because my live blog of last week's project runway was linked to at Blogging Project Runway (the hands down bestest blogging PR site). Then I was going to write about how I may have a TV addiction issue because I actually got mad at Certain Someone last night when he seemingly broke the TV. Then I was going to write a few random, funny and charming paragraphs about random, funny events that took place over the course of the weekend.

But alas, life took a nasty, unwelcome turn changing the course of today's post. My roommate, fueling our ongoing house drama in her own special, indignant, deceitful way has taken an action that has swiftly caused her to become my least favorite person in the whole wide world (counting only those people who I know personally). Actually, she probably was before this latest event too, but her position is now cemented - at least for the time being.

All that has gone on with my roommate, aside from causing me to rue the day that I ever allowed her into my life, introduced her to my family and friends, and foolishly moved in with her, also makes me wonder if it is easier to spend one's life in solitude, not allowing one self to be impacted by the actions and complications presented by introducing others into your life.

When I look at my own life, the people I love bring me an immense about of joy. But they also cause me about 97% of the pain I experience - the other 3% being paper cuts and like. Take dating for example. When I am not dating anyone, I typically do not feel anything is amiss. In fact, I tend to feel strong and comfortable in singledom and enjoying spending time making adventures out of otherwise mundane tasks. But when I am involved in a relationship that goes bad, it makes me feel like total shit - like my whole world is crumbling and things will never be as I want them to be. I go into an emotional tailspin which can take weeks to recover from. And such feelings of gloom doesn't even have to be precipitated by a serious or meaningful relationship - we are talking about any joe schmoe.

The same thing is happening with Roomie. Basically, before her, I was perfectly
happy. Then she enters my life, behaves as though she is devil spawn (maybe she is) and I am the one left holding the bag and feeling like crap? How is that fair?

Probably what I feel reflects more on the way that I approach relationships than it does the value of relationships in general. I know that I have to be more discerning about the people that I give my time and love to. And I have to not be afraid to cut off a relationship once it starts to cause me harm or ceases to be healthy - basically, I need to have higher standards for myself.

But the fact is, I have repeated the same unhealthy behavior (the pattern being care for someone more than I ought to, allowing myself to be hurt by them, being completely and irrationally heart broken, and then shut the person out of my life completely and never looking back) so many times in my 28 years, that I don't know how to stop.

Whats more, I don't even know that I want to stop. While my accept everyone/everything until it blows up in my face approach has caused my heart to
bruise many times, I've also had the pleasure of having built so many amazing friendships that I know will last the rest of my natural life (the afterlife too, if there is one). I have an amazing circle of friends (sadly, most of whom live not in Los Angeles) that I know I can rely on - so I must be doing something right. But then I also seem to be having a growing circle of used to be friends that I now can't stand, so I am obviously doing something wrong too. (Actually, Roomie is the only friend I can't stand - she shares that spot with several men I have dated)

I need to see the light. Where the hell is the light? Actually, I know what the light would say. I need to stop relying on others to make me happy, thereby taking away their power to make me sad. I just don't know how to implement this into my life. Either way, I have decided not to let myself ruminate in my anger any further. It does not help me to feel better.

And so, this marks the last time I will ever speak of Roomie in this forum. While she unfortunately may be in my line of site from time to time, she will no longer have the benefit of being in my thoughts, being featured in my glorious blog, nor having a place in my heart.

Aside: At the behest of certain someone, I am experimenting with the use of bold. I feel like it is overly dramatic. Even for me. Thoughts?

1 comment:

The Hodge said...

I'm joining the italics camp just to be difficult.

Bold versus italics, Clinton versus Obama, who will win?

(Obama '08 btw)