Friday, November 30, 2007

The Glory of the Turn Singal.

I won't pretend to be a good driver. Most people who have ever had the displeasure of being a passenger in my car, a couple pedestrians and many a poll in West Hollywood and elsewhere have discovered my utter lack of automobile driving prowess. But if there is one thing I know about cars, it is the turn signal. And more specifically, its usefulness. Nay, IMPERATIVENESS.

I am sad to report, I have come across some eggregious uses (or non uses) of the turn signal of late. And it is for this reason that I have taken it upon my narrow, aborable shoulders to make the streets safer and present you all with this, my Primer on the Glory of the Turn Signal.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the turn signal has two purposes.

One: it should be used when - wait for it - making a turn. Yes, crazy how the world comes together like that sometimes. When you turn left, you indicate your intent to make such turn with a your LEFT turn signal. I emphasis LEFT because making a right turn while flashing your left turn signal does not actually signal anything. Except that you may be an idiot. Now imagine you are driving down the street. One lane. Normal 35 mph speed. And then you want to turn left, and so you do! And you don't use your turn signal, you rebel. What happens? The poor sucker driving behind you careens into you because said driver was not aware of your intent to slow down from a brisk clip to a crawl in order to turn. This is not a good situation. And this isn't a Palestine/Israel type conflict that can't be resolved. There is a handy solution. It is called a turn signal and it comes free with your car. Use it. Please.

Two: it should be used when changing lanes. This is helpful to put the person in the lane next to you on notice that any second, you will moving your massive, steal, several ton potential death trap across a horizontal distance. Again, assigning the appropriate directional signal to your intent is imperative. Right signal follow by lane change to your left? Car accident city. Please take note, the signal is not merely an afterthought. Flashing a signal after you are halfway into the next lane is about as useful as putting your girlfriend on birth control when she is 6 months pregnant.

And finally, even when you think you don't need to signal because the road is clear. Do it anyway.

- Diet Coke and a Side of Fries, at your service

*sticking "ness" on the end of any word is perfectly acceptable in my world of word usage. Don't hate.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

It is Possible That I suck at Life. Maybe.

So I met this guy (herein dubbed forever T/S - as in Tall and Skinny) a short while ago. Think months. I won't get into how we met, but it was unusual. I've been seeing him for about a month now. And it is dawning on my sadly, that while the sex might be phenomenal, the man behind the penis may be flaccid. Yeah, I went there.

The real, truly, tragic part of this realization is this: today, on November 29, 2007 I post this realization, a hunch I feel pretty strongly is the truth, and still, again and again, you will read posts from me complaining about how this guy is hurting, disappointing, pleasing, occupying and fucking with me.

Why don't I walk away? Because, folks, it seems I am a masochist. Or maybe I am bored. I can't really tell right now. My having formed this blog gives credence to the bored theory, but I get I suppose I may have a little self-torturing attitude in me too.

And just to beat a horse to death, the reason this guy may be/probably is a dud is because he presented himself as being honest and with barrels of integrity which is what I was drawn to. And already, I have caught him in two lies. I have two things to say about that. 1. Why are people such fucking liars? Even the people I love. Lie. I am going to count how many lies I tell tomorrow. I wonder if I am a liar too. 2. If you are going to lie...at least be good at it. I mean seriously, saying you are one place on Tuesday, and then forgetting where you said were by Wednesday is really pathetic. I am conflicted right now as to whether I am more offended by the lies or the lack of effort in telling them.

And finally, I didn't confront him about the lie. In addition to my masochistic tendancy, I also happen to have a penchance for denial.

Hello World. Meet My Insanity.

Dear amazing, oft unkind, frightening and always humbling world:

I am feeling bold, honest, brave, and foolish - each in just the right proportion to cause me to want to share my life. All of it. The funny of it, the dirty nasty of it, and the wonder of it. I say now to my dear roommate, friends, family and poor souls I date - sorry to offend, as I inevitably will. Also, I am curious about this whole blogging business. I want to be hip. I want to embrace my nerd. And improve my spelling. Amuse myself. And hopefully you in the process.

Things about me. I am (much to my lamentation) single, I am smart as a whip , I walk real fast and run real slow. Sometimes I walk slow but I never, ever, ever run fast. I feel passionate about music. Sometimes so much so that it hurts too much to listen to. Strange, I know. Oh yes, and I am strange. But you probably wouldn't be able to tell at first meet. I spell like shit but I can sleep like a champ. My imagination is giant. I am a lover of vice. I am strangled by my fear of judgment. But it is a valid fear, as I am often judged. I love people. I love people to love me. I especially love those that do. There may be one person in the world that I hate - but I have not quite decided yet. I may be too lazy for true, artful hatred. I hate to lose, but I take it well as I also hate to be a sore loser. The rest of it, you will find out with time. Suffice it say for now: I am awesome. And my blog will be the shit.